On Working with Attachment

I am interested in understanding what happens when we need other people and when other people need us.

Why do we sometimes move toward people desperately and other times pull away? Why can we long for intimacy and then feel overwhelmed when it is actually available? Why do we find ourselves repeating relationship patterns that we understand intellectually but can't seem to change?

Understanding the defense for what it is

A defense is a form of protection.

We develop ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving that help protect us from experiences that have felt painful or threatening: rejection, intrusion, humiliation, being made to feel small, or the experience of not being seen or cared for.

Sometimes protection looks like becoming highly independent. You may learn not to need much from other people. You may tell yourself that you are better off handling things on your own. You may keep relationships at a certain distance or find yourself more comfortable with people who aren't entirely available.

And this can work. It can protect you from the vulnerability of needing someone and discovering that they aren't there.

But it can also come at a cost. Sometimes you can become very good at not needing people and then feel lonely.

Other times, protection can look differently. You may become highly attuned to other people's feelings and reactions. You may adapt yourself to the people you love and hesitate to ask for what you need because you fear that doing so could jeopardize the relationship.

If asserting your independence or having needs once felt like it could cost you connection, then putting the other person first can become a way of preserving that connection. But this, too, comes at a cost. You may feel weak, anxious, or afraid to find out what might happen if you stop accommodating everyone else.

Your defenses probably made sense at some point

One of the things I find most important in attachment-based work is understanding that these patterns did not come out of nowhere.

Perhaps being independent was safer than relying on someone who wasn't consistently available. Perhaps being highly attuned to another person's moods helped you anticipate rejection or conflict. Perhaps shutting down helped you manage emotions that felt too overwhelming. Perhaps staying busy, intellectualizing, pleasing others, keeping things casual, or choosing emotionally unavailable people helped you avoid a more painful experience.

These can be creative ways of adapting to difficult relational experiences. The problem is that what protected you then may be limiting you now.

So in therapy, I am not interested in taking your defenses away. I want to understand what they are doing for you first.

We look at both the protection and the cost

Part of our work may be identifying and naming these patterns when they show up. We might look at what happens when you begin to feel close to someone, when you feel rejected, when you have a need, or when someone else has one.

What happens inside you? What do you expect will happen next? What do you find yourself wanting to do? Do you move toward the person, move away, become quiet, start analyzing, become accommodating, become angry, or convince yourself that you don't really care?

How is this protecting you?

and

What is it costing you?

I don't want you to feel that you have to live without your defenses before you're ready. In fact, trying to force them away can create more shame and anxiety. I just want you to understand them well enough that you can begin to have more choices.

Attachment work is relational

Attachment is about relationships, so it makes sense to me that attachment work cannot happen entirely outside of a relationship. Our relationship in therapy becomes part of the work.

The ways you experience closeness, trust, vulnerability, dependence, and being understood can also emerge here in the room.

Sometimes I might notice that you become more distant when we get close to something vulnerable. Maybe you suddenly start intellectualizing. Maybe you tell me what you think rather than what you are actually experiencing. Maybe you make a joke, change the subject, become very general, or tell me that something doesn't really matter.

And we will explore together:

What just happened between us? What became uncomfortable? What did you need to protect yourself from in that moment?

I don't want you to feel judged for the ways you protect yourself

If you already carry a lot of shame about your relationships, the last thing I want is for therapy to become another place where you feel like you are doing yourself wrong.

You may already be telling yourself that you're too needy, too distant, too emotional, too guarded, too much, or not enough.

You don't need another person telling you what you're doing wrong, let alone your therapist!

I want to approach these patterns with curiosity, appreciation, and compassion for the part of you that learned to protect yourself this way.

That doesn't mean that I won't challenge you. It means that when we challenge a pattern, we also try to understand it.

What I hope attachment-based therapy can offer

For me, attachment-based therapy is ultimately about creating more freedom in how you relate.

Over time, therapy can become a place where you can experience something different: being understood without having to perform, expressing a need without immediately abandoning yourself, setting a boundary without the relationship disappearing, or staying present in the moment when being vulnerable.