My Approach to Couples Therapy
When couples come to therapy, they usually have a pretty good idea about what it is they are fighting about.
Maybe one partner is asking, “Why don't you seem to care?” while the other is thinking, “Nothing I do is ever enough.” One reaches for connection, and the other pulls away. One becomes more critical, and the other becomes more defensive or shuts down. Sometimes they get stuck in a cycle where the harder each person tries to get their needs met, the more disconnected they both feel.
My approach to couples therapy is grounded in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) principles and attachment-based therapy. Rather than simply teaching communication skills or helping you negotiate who should do what, I help you understand the patterns you get caught in and how to create different interactions with each other.
I am a pretty active therapist in the room. But the goal is definitely not to decide who is right or wrong. The goal is to change your negative cycle.
First, We Identify The Cycle
One of the first things I want to understand is what happens between you when things go wrong. I’ll listen to both perspectives and pay attention not only to what you tell me about your problems, but also to what happens between you as you talk about them.
This might mean slowing down a recent argument and looking closely at what happened:
What did your partner do? What did you experience in that moment? What did you do next? And how did your partner respond?
For example, one partner may become frustrated and push harder for reassurance or connection. The other may feel criticized or overwhelmed and pull away. That withdrawal then feels like rejection to the first partner, who pushes even harder. Before long, both people are just reacting to each other rather than feeling connected. And this cycle looks different for every couple.
In EFT, we call this a negative interaction cycle. Identifying the cycle is important because it changes the focus from “My partner is the problem” to “We are caught in a pattern that neither of us knows how to get out of.” And this can reduce blame while giving the couple a clearer sense of what they are actually working on.
You may even begin to recognize your own cycle outside of therapy: “There it is again. I'm reaching for you, you're pulling away, and now we're both doing the thing we said we wouldn't do.”
That awareness is an important beginning.
We Look at What’s Under the Argument
One of the central ideas in EFT is that the emotions we see on the surface are not always the emotions that are driving the interaction.
Anger, criticism, defensiveness, silence, and withdrawal are often protective responses. Underneath them there might be fear, hurt, rejection, loneliness, shame, insecurity...
So instead of stopping at “You're never there for me.” We go into: “When you don't respond, what happens inside you? Do you start to wonder whether you matter to your partner? Do you feel that reaching for them won't make a difference?”
Or instead of: “I don't want to talk about this anymore.” We might explore: “When the conversation becomes intense, what happens for you? Do you feel overwhelmed, inadequate, or afraid that whatever you say will make things worse? Where does this come from?”
This is one of the situations where couples therapy with me may feel different from just sitting down and talking through your problems at home. I help slow things down and stay with an important emotion that you might normally move away from. EFT places attention on the underlying vulnerability and unmet attachment need rather than treating the visible behavior as the entire problem.
We Change the Cycle
If you know that you and your partner have a pursue-withdraw pattern but continue responding to each other in exactly the same way, the pattern will keep winning. That is why EFT is experiential. Rather than only talking about your relationship, we work with what is happening between you in the room. In the present moment.
I may ask you to slow down a recent interaction, notice what you were feeling in the moment, and tell your partner about that experience directly. I may help you move from a defensive reaction toward the more vulnerable feeling underneath it.
We Make Room for New Experiences
This is a particularly important part of my approach.
I don't want you to simply understand your partner intellectually. I want you to have opportunities to experience each other differently.
That might mean helping one partner express a vulnerable need and helping the other stay present rather than becoming defensive or withdrawing. It might mean helping a partner who usually pursues connection slow down enough to express fear or hurt instead of criticism. Or helping a partner who typically shuts down find a way to remain engaged and communicate what is happening internally.
These moments can feel uncomfortable at first. You may be saying something to your partner that you have never been able to say quite this way before. You may feel vulnerable, emotional, or unsure of what to say next. That is okay.
EFT describes this process as helping partners become more accessible and responsive to one another. As new emotional experiences are expressed and met with greater understanding and responsiveness, couples can begin to develop a different kind of interaction, one that is less driven by protection and more by connection.
We Practice Something Different
As your relationship begins to change in therapy, we bring those changes into the situations that typically trigger your cycle.
Maybe you have the same argument about parenting every week. Maybe conversations about sex quickly become tense and uncomfortable. Maybe you have learned to avoid certain topics altogether.
As couples develop more trust and responsiveness, they can also become better able to address practical problems together. Once the emotional climate of a relationship becomes more secure, couples often have greater capacity to work through issues such as parenting, finances, and other disagreements without those issues carrying the same emotional weight.
What Couples Therapy With Me May Feel Like
Couples therapy isn't always comfortable and I don't think it should be.
You may hear something from your partner that is difficult to take in. You may realize that a reaction you thought was simply “how you are” is part of a pattern between you. You may become emotional. You may also laugh, feel relieved when something finally makes sense, or experience a moment where you and your partner understand each other in a way you haven't for a long time.
I will be warm and compassionate with both of you, while also being active in the process. I won't sit back and simply let the same argument happen in front of me. I also don't see my role as deciding who is right.
Both of you need to feel understood in therapy. There is balanced alliance on my part with both partners and I will understand each person's behavior within the context of the interaction rather than reducing either partner to a personality trait or label.
Ultimately, I want couples to leave therapy with more than a better understanding of their problems. I want you to have a better understanding of each other.
To recognize your cycle before it takes over. To understand what happens inside you when you feel hurt, rejected, criticized, or overwhelmed. To be able to express needs more directly. And, perhaps most importantly, to experience your partner as someone you can turn toward rather than someone you have to protect yourself from.
The goal is not to create a relationship without conflict. Every couple will disagree!!
The goal is to create a relationship where conflict doesn't automatically turn into disconnection. And when you do get pulled into an old pattern, you have a better chance of finding your way out of it.
You don't have to wait until your relationship is falling apart to seek couples therapy. Sometimes the most important reason to come in is just that you can tell something isn't working the way you want it to, and you're ready to understand why and do something different.
